Twelve Months

Our cuddly little man is ONE year old. The time has gone by so quickly that it doesn't seem it should be so... He is turning into such a little boy. He's loosing his chubby little cheeks, has a mouth full of teeth, walking, jabbering, and being his snuggly, loving self. I hope he doesn't grow out of that any time soon!

Nine Months

Our C-man is NINE months old now. I can hardly believe it! He is so much fun! He's such a ham, loves to pose for the camera now. I'm sure eventually that will stop as he gets tired of me taking his picture all the time. He adores his big sister (and she him) and he is most definitely a momma's boy, although he thinks Daddy's pretty fun too!

November 5th 2012

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, today the 5th, was the day I went down to meet A and A. I had a meeting after work, and had to leave an hour late but finally I was able to leave! Stephanie went down with me, because Nick was so nervous about me driving down myself. On the way down, I remember I wasn't nervous. I don't know if it was because I didn't have time to really think about it or what. I do remember turning on to their road and it hit me. "What in the heck am I doing? I have no idea who these people are!" It quickly went away and then as I pulled up and saw Aboy standing outside, my stomach starting doing flip flops. We had a pleasant visit. Agirl colored with Miss K and completely won her over. To this day when we tell Miss K Agirl  is coming to visit she gets SO excited. It really felt like we were old friends and were catching up on life. Aboy and Agirl asked if I wanted to see the baby's ultrasound pictures. My initial reaction was No! I think I was scared. The last two ultrasound pictures I had seen both ended up in loss. I was scared to get my hopes up, scared that this tiny human being may not join our family. But I put all those fears aside and told myself that if anything, I could look at the ultrasound pictures and be happy for THEM. And I was. It was really hard not to be happy for them, because although scared, their excitement for this little baby was shining through. Then Agirl said, "Gina he's kicking, come feel my belly!" The fears came back, but I couldn't NOT do it. I felt that little baby kick and well, I think I might've gotten my hopes up right then. After a few hours we decided to head home. It was late and we were exhausted, but on the ride home we couldn't help but talk and analyze everything that had just taken place. And sadly compare. Stephanie had also met the failed match and her family also. I asked Stephanie her thoughts and immediately she said, "Well, honestly this was so calm, like talking with old friends. When I met K and her family, I immediately felt the tension and had a bad feeling. No bad feelings here."

At the time, I didn't give a lot of thought to it, but today looking back, I'm so thankful that Agirl allowed me to experience those first little kicks. I don't think she will ever know how much that means to me. Remembering this day, always brings a smile to my face!

November 4, 2012

Exactly one year ago today was when I first talked to A and A. I can hardly believe it's been a year! I privately blogged about our experience from first phone call until Corbin's birth. Here is my entry from one year ago:

 Sunday November 4th

Today, I was watching The Vow. I normally don't watch movies like that, but hey why not? Our adoption line started ringing, and I was crying. Of course it would! I seriously tried to get myself together, but failed miserably. I thought well, it's probably a wrong number, which is what we seem to get most of on that number. But someone left a voicemail. I decided to go ahead and finish watching the movie and then I would check the VM. It was not a wrong number! It was a couple, A and A, that are interested in meeting us. So I returned the call. Voicemail. Well crap. I was thinking, you know they probably just changed their minds. But they called back! They asked if we could come meet them. TOMORROW. Except that Nick is out of town, so that leaves ME. EEK! They both sound sweet, young. We really didn't talk a whole, whole lot, but I'm just excited they like us and want to meet us! How awesome is that!? A is 25 weeks pregnant with a little boy. A boy?! Honestly, I never think much about a little boy. Not that we don't want a boy(we've always secretly wanted a girl and a boy), I've just always believed our little man is in heaven and we would never have one on earth.

 --------
During our wait, I had a lot of time to research.  One of the things I researched was what questions to ask when a prospective birth family called. I had actually typed up a bunch of questions on the computer and had a couple of printouts laying around the house (after all you never know when you would get a call!). I used one of these printouts each time we had a call. I would basically look at the list of questions and then ask, and write down the answers. It seems silly to me now. But you know what? With A and A, I didn't even THINK about "the list." Ha, I was just asking what felt natural to me. Later, after we got off the phone, I did write down the things I could remember so I could relay them to Nick. A's mom told me later, that after I didn't answer their phone call, they said, "What if they aren't looking to adopt any more?" It seems so unreal to me, on different sides of the adoption spectrum, and the both of us had that fear of someone changing their mind.

Hayride and Pumpkin Patch

This year when we went to the pumpkin patch, we had a hayride all to ourselves! Miss K was so excited about picking out her pumpkin. It made me happy to see her so excited and I loved seeing C's expression change with all the new things he was seeing. He loves to look around and take everything in.

 

One Year

Approximately one year ago we were devastated. The prospective birth mother that we had grown to care about and love had changed her mind and decided to parent after the birth of her daughter. Nick and I were talking today how so much has changed in a year. A year ago, we thought that just might be the end of our adoption journey. After such a heart wrenching loss we weren't sure we could continue. Nick said, "Everything worked out perfectly" I have to agree. Knowing now, what I wish I knew then, that situation wasn't going to work out from the beginning. It wasn't all for naught though. I learned A LOT, and because of that crappy situation, I tend to be more loving and patient with C's birth parents. Things aren't always easy, but I'm so thankful for birth family that was willing to allow A and A make the decision that was best for little man. Everyone has received us with open arms. Although there were family members that supported A parenting, those same people supported her decision to place C in our home. We continue to have a relationship with them and I'm so incredibly thankful for C (and us) to have so many loving, kind people in our lives. It truly is amazing how much life can change in a year. I'm hugging my babies super tight tonight.

Angel of Miracles

My sister bought me an angel pin. I loved it!! BUT it was a pin and seriously who wears those under the age of 60? So after much debating I asked my handy dandy husband if he could take off the back of it for me. He did and I turned my beautiful angel into a necklace. I'm hoping to get a couple charms for K and C to complete it, but I really love it as it is :) Thank you for my thoughtful sister and keeping my sweet angel alive :)

Angel of Miracles

May this special angel

Always let you know

Miracles surround us

Wherever we go

First Day of Kindergerten

Miss K has been overly excited about starting kindergarten this year. I was really hoping her expectations weren't too high, but it seems they weren't. She had a fabulous first day! I missed her like crazy and felt empty and lost without her. I'm very grateful that she is excited to learn.

Here we go!

In front of the school

So excited

Waiting on sissy to get home

There she is!

Glad to see this girl!

Hard to Imagine

It's very difficult to think that, if life had gone exactly how Nick and I planned, we would have a child turning four this month. FOUR! I often wonder what his personality would've been like, what kinds of things he would be "in" to, would he and Miss K be the best of buds or at each others throats? There is still an ache in my heart and I wish I could've seen him in person to tell him goodbye.

I am very aware that life would be very different had he lived. As much as I wish we wouldn't have lost our little guy, I know he wasn't meant to be here on earth with us. And I certainly can't imagine life without our sweet guy now. I know C because I did not know JB. 

So, in closing, I have to thank our sweet little angel for all that he has given us without ever setting foot on this earth.

Thank you my little JB. You are in my heart always.

Six Months

Our little guy is already six months old! He's happy, healthy and brings an incredible joy into our lives. I'm pretty certain he has everyone wrapped around his little pinky.

Mom, Why Did You Adopt C?

This is the question our five year old, Miss K, asked me.

I replied, "Well, we've talked about this before. Because Daddy and I wanted another little baby."

She says, "And..."

I say, "And because we wanted you to have a sibling."

Again she says, "And..."

So I go on and say, "Well sweetie, we met A and A and we loved them too and wanted them in our lives and they asked us to be C's family. And...

She says, "And because you wanted him to pee in your face?"

<insert belly laughing here>

So today's lesson? I need to lighten up. Not all questions are meant to be deep.

Shopping Trip

I just had an urge to write this morning and this is what hit me. This shopping trip for C. I remember on the way there Nick and I were so nervous and scared. We kept asking each other, surely this will happen if we go shopping together right? I mean if we buy all this little boy stuff and it doesn't work out what are we going to do with it? I know with our previous match I did buy little girl things and that was one of the hardest things to do... as a matter of fact I didn't take them back until after this shopping trip to exchange them for little boy items. After we got there, and I saw how Agirl's face lit up while shopping, most of my fears vanished. Whether or not placement was going to work out, I decided I could enjoy this with her. She loves to shop! Her joy for it was infectious. Nick hates to shop, well except for hunting and fishing, but there at the end? Even he was looking around for little boy items. I remember we kept trying to figure out what season it would be for the age of clothing! I really wanted a picture of all of us together. I had taken my camera with me every time we had visited with them, but I always forgot to ask to take pictures. Not this time! At this particular picture is on a shelf in C's room. This day was a huge day for Nick and I! I think after this day is when reality hit us, we were matched with this amazing couple considering us to be parents! Dreaming and wishing and hoping for this little guy began!!

Our Little Ballerina

Miss K has finished up another year of ballet. I think she is the most beautiful little ballerina. EVER.

Three Months

I can't believe our little guy is three months old today. It really does seem like yesterday that we got the call that we needed to head to the hospital. It is going by fast and it brings tears to my eyes. I find myself doing less and less housework and more holding him, staring at him and just ENJOYING him. He's a dream come true and I can't imagine having a more perfect baby.

 He makes my heart sing.

How Could She Do That?

I've been asked this question so many times of Corbin's birth mother (which I hate that title because although she is, she is so much more!).

It usually goes something like this...

How could she do that? How could any mother carry her child for 9 months and then just give him away? Although, I'm glad because now you have a baby, but I just don't understand how anyone could do that.

Time and time again I answer with, "She loved him enough to place him with us." When people ask these questions it seriously makes me cringe, because I always think... If you only knew how great her and Aboy's love is for C you wouldn't even open your mouth! I know without a doubt that they love C, and because of that love they were able to place him in our arms. I believe if they had loved him any less, they wouldn't have gone through that heartbreaking decision. I'm so grateful for them and I'm so thankful to have birth parents that love and care for him as much as they do.

I can see the love every time they hold him or look at him. Can't you?

The Story

At the beginning of November we received a call on our adoption line. I didn't get to the phone in time. Honestly, I had been watching a movie and was crying my eyes out,. I didn't think it would make a good impression answering the phone blubbering. A young man left a voicemail (which I STILL have saved on my phone) saying that he and his girlfriend saw our ad online and would like to meet us. ACK! Anyhow, I gathered my wits about me and called back. Voicemail. My initial thought was, "Well, they probably changed their minds."

They did call back though! We talked for a bit and decided to meet the following day. Nick was out of town on his annual hunting trip, so that left me! EEK!  Our friend Stephanie rode down with me to ease Nick's mind with me traveling alone with Miss K. I loved them immediately! I love Agirls's out outspokenness (which is something I don't have! so I totally admire that in her) and I love that Aboy isn't afraid to show his feelings. They let me see baby's ultrasound pictures and Agirl let me feel him kick! I admit, I was pretty nervous about all that, because I'm a woman and I get caught up in that sort of thing but I'm SO glad I got that opportunity! Riding home that night, Steph and I were talking about it, and I hate to even say it, but comparing. Stephanie had also met K and her family and she said upon meeting them she did not get a good feeling, she said immediately she felt anxious. Upon meeting A and A, she felt at ease and it felt like visiting friends we haven't seen in a while. I remember talking to Nick that night and said, "Nick, I think this is the reason why the K thing didn't work out." After talking with our agency the following day, I received a huge hand slap for not following protocol. Basically I decided on my own to go see them without giving the agency a head's up. Nick and I felt like they failed us in our previous match, not to mention various other things that we were(are) very disappointed in, and decided that with any other situation we would handle it how we wanted. Right away the agency told us to back off from this situation. Nick and I decided and told the agency over and over again that we wanted to proceed. We knew the risks and we were okay with that... We understand but we also had hope that this was going to work out. Scared to hell, yes, but we had a sliver of hope.

I'm not going to go into specific details about A and A because I do feel they are private and that is for them to share, but I'm not going to leave yall in the dark either! Since Nick wasn't home we made plans to visit over Thanksgiving break. Our agency had advised us against going to see them and then the day before encouraged us to and said that it looked like if everything went well it looked like we might be matching the following week! On the way down, I told Nick "No pressure or anything, but I know they already like me, so it's all you now!" We had a nice visit and we tentatively made plans to visit again over Christmas break. After visiting with them, we didn't hear anything from the agency about matching. I think Nick and I were both a little disappointed, but we were okay with it too. I knew they still liked us because they were still texting us, but we were still uncertain where this might be going.

***I want to add in here too, that after the failed match Nick and I said that whatever we decided we would try our hardest to protect Miss K's heart. It was an absolute mess having to deal with her emotions after the failed match. Miss K definitely was around A and A, as we felt that it was important for her to be but we never explained to her who they *could* be. When we told Miss K that we were going to visit A and A she would say, "WOOHOO!" She absolutely loved Agril! The first time we met Agirl colored with Miss K and totally won her over, that meant so much to me!! The fact that Miss K was always excited to see them really stuck out in my head :)

During Christmas break A and A expressed that they would like to come to our house for the next meeting. I let them know of our available dates and also invited them to Miss K's b-day party. They decided to come to her party. I was so nervous! The prior visits I wasn't very nervous, but this one I was - majorly. I don't know if it was because it was our house, or Miss K's party or what. Agirl showed me her newest ultrasound pics. And she was just so darn cute! Our previous visits, I was never real sure where this situation was going. This visit, though, (after everyone left) felt different. I can't really explain it, but Nick and I both noticed there was a difference.

A few days later I heard from IAC that they were ready to match! We were SO excited (and scared!). Agirl was due around Feb 12th. The end of Jan we made plans to get together and go shopping for little man. I was pretty nervous about this trip. Nick hates to shop (typical guy I guess) and he made it very obvious! But we had a good time! At that time little guy was due in 2 1/2 weeks and I kept thinking what if she goes into labor right now! Ha, but he was content during that trip.

On Feb 7th Aboy texts me that we should get our bags packed because Agirl's body was getting ready, and that he would keep me posted. About 2 hours later he called to let me know we should probably head to the hospital! I called Nick to come home and finished up last minute packing (especially for Miss K.) and trying to get it into the car. Nick came home and we decided to grab dinner on the way. We were thinking we had plenty of time - It takes 5 hours to get there and she was dilated to a 4 at 8 pm. We and nurses were thinking about 2 in the morn. Plenty of time right!? A little after 10 Aboy's mom texted me and said she was dilated to a NINE! Holy crap! We were still an hour out (damn dinner)  and then we had to take detour because there was a bad wreck (damnit again!). Anyhow a little later I get the text "Your son was born at 2245" I was overwhelmed, I was so happy, sad (that I couldn't be there) and scared. We arrived about 40 minutes later and met the little guy that became our son.

The thing I can't stop thinking of: I planted some daffodils in honor of our sweet little JB a few years ago. I have several planted but one is all by itself and each year if others come up around it I pull them because that one is Josephs flower. On the 7th, when we came home from ballet I noticed that single daffodil was blooming.

There are a lot of other little things that I have contemplated a lot on that one day I will probably talk about but right now this sweet little guy is needing me :)

 

Adoption Changes

We met the two year mark of officially waiting about three weeks ago. I say officially waiting because that is when our home study was approved. We started working with our agency in March 2010, so we are coming up on three years. It's very disheartening when I think of of it. Anyhow, we are finishing up paperwork for our home study update #2. We are also updating our profile and our letter. Although, I'm irritated at having to do all this updating, I'm excited to see how it looks when we are finished. Hopefully soon and I'll be sure to make a post of our new letter. (Which I think I've decided to design myself!) Here's to another year of waiting.

I Don't Like You

Hate is not a word that we allow in our house. A few days ago a friend of Miss K's said, "I hate you" while they were playing. On our way that night Miss K said, "Mom that wasn't a nice thing that B said." I said, "No sweetie it wasn't, but sometimes when we are upset we say things that aren't nice." She said, "Well, she could've said I don't like you. That's a nicer way of saying I hate you." I said, "Yep you're right! I don't like you is a nicer way of saying that, but we probably shouldn't say that either, because those words may hurt someone's feelings as well. Sometimes it's hard to be nice and say nice things all the time, but we should always try."

I am so incredibly proud of Miss K for thinking this little scenario through and coming up with a solution that would be better.

Free

E (our next door neighbor's son) and Miss K love hanging out together. It's so fun to watch them interacting. One day he was over playing and I looked up and saw Miss K doing this... so of course I had to snap a picture.

Oh to be young again!!

Rayni

Please keep this sweet girl and her family in your thoughts and prayers. 

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rayni/journal