Please keep this sweet girl and her family in your thoughts and prayers.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/rayni/journal
August 2013
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Difficult Days
I have to say that the hardest part of K deciding to parent has not been the fact that we "lost" the hope of that child, nor is it the disappointment of the relationship that we had built with her, but it IS the days that we have spent trying to explain to our Miss K why baby A couldn't be her sister. Nick and I were always very, very careful with what we said to Miss K about K, her family, and her baby. We never said that this baby was going to be her sister, we always referred to baby A as K's baby. We have always been open with Miss K about adoption and what that might entail (in age appropriate terms), but we have also tried to be careful. I remember saying many, many times that I'm okay if my heart gets broken, but I don't want my girl's heart to get broken.
I thought we had a wonderful, wonderful relationship with her and her family. We really thought that it was the perfect situation for us and for them as well. We got along great, we had tons in common, we loved and cared about her very deeply. We had been talking with K for three months before her delivery. Nick and I had decided before hand that we did not want to bring Miss K to the hospital at all because we felt that it would be too difficult for her if things didn't work out. (And unfortunately we found out how difficult) We had decided though, that we would take K with us and she and one of our closets friends would stay in the hotel while Nick and I could be at the hospital with K. After baby A was born, K's family asked where Miss K was and encouraged us to bring her up to "meet her baby sister." Nick and I went back to the hotel that night and talked about it, and decided that maybe we should take Miss K. I can't say we were 100% comfortable about it, because we weren't, but after seeing how confident K was we wanted to show that we had the same confidence. The following day we did take K up to see baby A. We were sure to remind her that baby A was K's baby. Unfortunately, other's did not follow suit. Some of the birth family mentioned to Miss K about what a good big sister she will be. (and they were right, she WILL be) but with that person, and a few others saying something to Miss K about baby A being her sister, my girl assumed that baby A was her sister. Of course later that all changed. Then the difficult days started....
I had actually quit my job because I wanted to be a stay at home momma. I had called my boss and told her what happened and she offered my position back to me. Nick and I both took off work for a couple of days. Right away we noticed Miss K throwing horrendous fits. She has never been a child to act the way she was. The first tantrum was when we were in a grocery store and I felt so horrible because although she was throwing a fit because she didn't get a toy, I knew deep down it had nothing to do with the toy. Every day she had at least one huge meltdown. Then when we went back to school she started in saying she didn't like school and she didn't want to go. We were both kinda blindsided. We had told her that baby A couldn't be with us and she asked many times about baby A and why her baby sister wasn't with her. We carefully explained that baby A wasn't her sister and that K decided she wanted to be her mommy. Many times she would ask when we were going to go see baby A again. This went on for several weeks. Finally, after a huge meltdown about having to "go home" I asked Miss K why she was throwing these fits when she never had before. Her reply, "Momma I'm just sad." I asked, "Why are you sad?" She says, "I don't know why, but I just am." I realized then, that we needed to have a serious talk with her about what had happened. So I (Nick wasn't home) sat down with her and we talked, and talked and talked some more. In her little four year mind (as far as I could gather) she thought that the reason baby A couldn't come home with us is because we had to go back to school. I told her that that wasn't the reason at all, but that K changed her mind. K thought that baby A was going to be her sister, but she decided instead to be her mommy, so baby A would be living with her and her family. Miss K had questions and I answered them the best I could. Lo and behold the next school day, trying to get her up was AWESOME. No meltdown, no tears, and no complaints! My poor girl's heart had been hurting and she didn't know how to express it other than acting out. Things went well for about a week, all of a sudden Miss K started telling lies.
Stupid lies, really, but nonetheless lies. Finally I said "Miss K we don't tell lies. It hurts Mommy and Daddy and God doesn't like it either." She continued on. One day not too long after that Miss K told a lie (about eating candy) and I asked her to tell me the truth. She continued to lie (thankfully she hadn't learned to lie well). Again I sat down with her and said, "Miss K we shouldn't tell lies." She looks at me and says, "Well adults lie when they change their minds." Oh boy. Right away, I knew exactly what she was talking about.. Although, we never once said that K lied, I can totally see why a four year old would think that. So I said, "You know Miss K, do you know how sad it made Mommy and Daddy and you when K changed her mind and said that Baby A couldn't come home with us?" She said, "Yes, very sad." I said, "Yep, that's what lying does. It hurts people and makes them sad, so we shouldn't do it." She said, "Okay, I'm sorry I lied." That night we read a book "Telling the Truth" and guess what? No more lying! Well, as of me sitting here and writing this!
I sure hope this is the end of all that mess and things continue to move forward.
I thought we had a wonderful, wonderful relationship with her and her family. We really thought that it was the perfect situation for us and for them as well. We got along great, we had tons in common, we loved and cared about her very deeply. We had been talking with K for three months before her delivery. Nick and I had decided before hand that we did not want to bring Miss K to the hospital at all because we felt that it would be too difficult for her if things didn't work out. (And unfortunately we found out how difficult) We had decided though, that we would take K with us and she and one of our closets friends would stay in the hotel while Nick and I could be at the hospital with K. After baby A was born, K's family asked where Miss K was and encouraged us to bring her up to "meet her baby sister." Nick and I went back to the hotel that night and talked about it, and decided that maybe we should take Miss K. I can't say we were 100% comfortable about it, because we weren't, but after seeing how confident K was we wanted to show that we had the same confidence. The following day we did take K up to see baby A. We were sure to remind her that baby A was K's baby. Unfortunately, other's did not follow suit. Some of the birth family mentioned to Miss K about what a good big sister she will be. (and they were right, she WILL be) but with that person, and a few others saying something to Miss K about baby A being her sister, my girl assumed that baby A was her sister. Of course later that all changed. Then the difficult days started....
I had actually quit my job because I wanted to be a stay at home momma. I had called my boss and told her what happened and she offered my position back to me. Nick and I both took off work for a couple of days. Right away we noticed Miss K throwing horrendous fits. She has never been a child to act the way she was. The first tantrum was when we were in a grocery store and I felt so horrible because although she was throwing a fit because she didn't get a toy, I knew deep down it had nothing to do with the toy. Every day she had at least one huge meltdown. Then when we went back to school she started in saying she didn't like school and she didn't want to go. We were both kinda blindsided. We had told her that baby A couldn't be with us and she asked many times about baby A and why her baby sister wasn't with her. We carefully explained that baby A wasn't her sister and that K decided she wanted to be her mommy. Many times she would ask when we were going to go see baby A again. This went on for several weeks. Finally, after a huge meltdown about having to "go home" I asked Miss K why she was throwing these fits when she never had before. Her reply, "Momma I'm just sad." I asked, "Why are you sad?" She says, "I don't know why, but I just am." I realized then, that we needed to have a serious talk with her about what had happened. So I (Nick wasn't home) sat down with her and we talked, and talked and talked some more. In her little four year mind (as far as I could gather) she thought that the reason baby A couldn't come home with us is because we had to go back to school. I told her that that wasn't the reason at all, but that K changed her mind. K thought that baby A was going to be her sister, but she decided instead to be her mommy, so baby A would be living with her and her family. Miss K had questions and I answered them the best I could. Lo and behold the next school day, trying to get her up was AWESOME. No meltdown, no tears, and no complaints! My poor girl's heart had been hurting and she didn't know how to express it other than acting out. Things went well for about a week, all of a sudden Miss K started telling lies.
Stupid lies, really, but nonetheless lies. Finally I said "Miss K we don't tell lies. It hurts Mommy and Daddy and God doesn't like it either." She continued on. One day not too long after that Miss K told a lie (about eating candy) and I asked her to tell me the truth. She continued to lie (thankfully she hadn't learned to lie well). Again I sat down with her and said, "Miss K we shouldn't tell lies." She looks at me and says, "Well adults lie when they change their minds." Oh boy. Right away, I knew exactly what she was talking about.. Although, we never once said that K lied, I can totally see why a four year old would think that. So I said, "You know Miss K, do you know how sad it made Mommy and Daddy and you when K changed her mind and said that Baby A couldn't come home with us?" She said, "Yes, very sad." I said, "Yep, that's what lying does. It hurts people and makes them sad, so we shouldn't do it." She said, "Okay, I'm sorry I lied." That night we read a book "Telling the Truth" and guess what? No more lying! Well, as of me sitting here and writing this!
I sure hope this is the end of all that mess and things continue to move forward.
The Longest Drive
I've debated and debated on whether or not I would post on here about our adoption match that went south, but I've finally decided that I will. Mainly because I know that there are other adoptive families out there that have been through something similar and I hope somehow our story may comfort or help others. In June (the 18th to be exact) we received an email from K saying she would like to get to know us better. Immediately we felt connected to K. We exchanged several emails and decided that we would like to meet. The beginning of July we met K, her mother, and her father. I have to say the meeting them was nerve racking! Almost like a blind date feeling, but all in all it seemed to go well. We continued to email and determined that we still liked each other and eventually (the end of July) K asked if we would like to match with her. We, of course, said YES! We cared, and loved her very much. She seemed like a perfect match for us. She had a great sense of humor, wonderful outlook on life and we had so much in common. We went on vacation the beginning of August and while coming back from vacation stopped off to visit with K and her family at their house. This visit seemed to go so much better, it was much more relaxed and easy going. That Monday (Aug 20th) we received an awesome phone call from IAC letting us know that K wanted to "officially match." We were over the moon!! On Aug 29th we had our match meeting. We were also able to meet J, the expectant father. He decided to sign his rights over that day. By that time there was only a week until K's due date! We were so excited and started getting everything prepared for baby girl. The 6th (Sept) came and went with no little one. On Sept 14th K texted and said she was going in to be induced. Nick and I rushed over to the hospital (about 2 1/2 hours from us). At the time we thought it was the longest car ride ever!
We get to the hospital and K was doing great! In pain, but soon she had an epidural and all was better. K had asked me to be in the delivery room with her. After 3 hours of pushing, baby girl was born at 7:01 pm. Pure sweetness. It's truly amazing how much I already loved that little girl. She was going to be monitored for a couple of hours in the nursery so Nick and I decided to go get something to eat and was going to come back. By the time we ate, though we realized it was late and we should get our Miss K to bed. (She was staying with a friend in a hotel) While at the hospital, the birth family had encouraged us to bring up Miss K the following day. Nick and I had planned on NOT taking her to the hospital, but with their confidence, decided we would.
We had never told K that this baby was her baby sister, instead we always said that it was K's baby, but she was deciding whether or not she wanted baby to be with our family. The following day (Sat) we get to the hospital and Miss K received a "Proud Big Sister" sticker at the front door. We didn't really say anything about it, because again, our feelings were that it's okay for us to get hurt, but not our girl. We get to K's room and hold and feed baby girl. Birth certificate was done with the name that we were going to name her, our last name because "She'll never need my last name." A couple times people mentioned about Miss K being a good big sister. K and I had a nice long talk about adoption and what I took as she was still very confident in her decision to place. That afternoon we decided to go back to the hotel for a bit and was going to go back up later. Our friend Stephanie and I went (they had said she was welcome to come up) up later that evening and spent a couple hours visiting and holding little miss. K was to sign relinquishment papers the next morning. After getting back to the hotel, Nick and I packed our little diaper bag, got the going home outfit all ready to go. Finally, after such a long time waiting, we were going to have our little baby! We went to bed and sometime after 11 pm K's dad called and said that they couldn't go through with it. To say that we were completely blindsided is an understatement. We cried and held each other all night long. I wanted to leave right then, but we knew we should at least let Miss K get her sleep. So we got up early the next morning and drove home. Now THAT was the longest drive ever.
We get to the hospital and K was doing great! In pain, but soon she had an epidural and all was better. K had asked me to be in the delivery room with her. After 3 hours of pushing, baby girl was born at 7:01 pm. Pure sweetness. It's truly amazing how much I already loved that little girl. She was going to be monitored for a couple of hours in the nursery so Nick and I decided to go get something to eat and was going to come back. By the time we ate, though we realized it was late and we should get our Miss K to bed. (She was staying with a friend in a hotel) While at the hospital, the birth family had encouraged us to bring up Miss K the following day. Nick and I had planned on NOT taking her to the hospital, but with their confidence, decided we would.
We had never told K that this baby was her baby sister, instead we always said that it was K's baby, but she was deciding whether or not she wanted baby to be with our family. The following day (Sat) we get to the hospital and Miss K received a "Proud Big Sister" sticker at the front door. We didn't really say anything about it, because again, our feelings were that it's okay for us to get hurt, but not our girl. We get to K's room and hold and feed baby girl. Birth certificate was done with the name that we were going to name her, our last name because "She'll never need my last name." A couple times people mentioned about Miss K being a good big sister. K and I had a nice long talk about adoption and what I took as she was still very confident in her decision to place. That afternoon we decided to go back to the hotel for a bit and was going to go back up later. Our friend Stephanie and I went (they had said she was welcome to come up) up later that evening and spent a couple hours visiting and holding little miss. K was to sign relinquishment papers the next morning. After getting back to the hotel, Nick and I packed our little diaper bag, got the going home outfit all ready to go. Finally, after such a long time waiting, we were going to have our little baby! We went to bed and sometime after 11 pm K's dad called and said that they couldn't go through with it. To say that we were completely blindsided is an understatement. We cried and held each other all night long. I wanted to leave right then, but we knew we should at least let Miss K get her sleep. So we got up early the next morning and drove home. Now THAT was the longest drive ever.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Halloween 2012
We had a pretty low key Halloween this year. Nick was out of town for the Halloween party that we were going to go to... We were going to go as Gnomeo and Juliet, but I decided even if my Gnomeo wasn't here that doesn't mean I can't go by myself! So Miss K and I dressed up and went!
We carved pumpkins on Halloween this year! We were cutting it close! With Nick being out of town, that seemed the only day we could all join the fun!
We carved pumpkins on Halloween this year! We were cutting it close! With Nick being out of town, that seemed the only day we could all join the fun!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
A New Bed for Miss K
We looked all over trying to find a bed for Miss K, but we could never
find exactly what we wanted. Nick decided that he would build her one.
Unfortunately it's been pretty slow going. Work tends to get in the way
of such things. We should be able to move the bed in her room soon and
then he's going to finish the bookshelf and dresser to go underneath it.
 |
| Drawing out the plans |
 |
| Getting started! |
 |
| Looking good! |
 |
| K is so proud of her bed! |
 |
| Each of the steps has a drawer in it |
 |
| All finished! |
Changes
We are going through quite a bit of changes. After the delivery and meeting of the sweet little baby that we thought was going to be ours, we have reflected A LOT on our adoption path.What is that saying "If I only knew then what I know now?" Well we would've definitely proceeded with adoption differently. We still are very certain that adoption is meant for us, but unfortunately we see it VERY differently now.
After our unmatch with K, we decided we needed to do some serious updating to our profile. We are starting with what's called the "Task Force Review." Which basically means that a team at IAC will be reviewing our letter and making suggestions for improvements. We never had a personal web page, as it was not mandatory, but I am currently in the process of finishing that up. We are going to start our own advertising specific to our personal page versus our i heart profile on IAC's website.
We also have decided to go on the LMHL with our agency. We really don't think we will benefit much from this, but we now feel that any little bit of exposure may help.
Here's to 22 months of waiting and ??? more!
After our unmatch with K, we decided we needed to do some serious updating to our profile. We are starting with what's called the "Task Force Review." Which basically means that a team at IAC will be reviewing our letter and making suggestions for improvements. We never had a personal web page, as it was not mandatory, but I am currently in the process of finishing that up. We are going to start our own advertising specific to our personal page versus our i heart profile on IAC's website.
We also have decided to go on the LMHL with our agency. We really don't think we will benefit much from this, but we now feel that any little bit of exposure may help.
Here's to 22 months of waiting and ??? more!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
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